I Promise

Énouement. "the bittersweetness of having arrived here in the future, finally learning the answers to how things turned out but being unable to tell your past self."

I can recall a conversation with a spiritual mentor of mine where I lamented the fact that had I only known then, what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of pain.

I don’t remember his exact words. What I remember is the look in his eyes when he said, "That’s the thing about God’s plan—it only makes sense in retrospect.'”

Although I cannot go back in time and have a conversation with my previous self to let him know that it will all be ok, not just because I do not have a time machine, but because I am myself not sure at this point. There are still a few promises I want to make to the past version of myself, the 14, 16, and 18yr old versions of myself deep in a struggle with no visible way out.

Dear Simmy,

I promise.

I promise that whatever it is that you are experiencing will eventually expire.

I promise that you will eventually get clean, and I promise that you will eventually relapse.

I promise that you will find a woman who you love, and I promise that she will break your heart.

I promise that you will make more money at once than you ever thought possible, and I promise that you will lose it all faster than you made it.

I promise that you will meet 2 great men named Weston and Luke who will completely alter the trajectory of your life, and I promise you that they will both be gone in a heartbeat.

I promise that you will experience emotional highs, unlike what you ever previously thought to be possible, and I promise that you will experience soul crushing lows that would break almost anyone. ALMOST ANYONE.

I promise that at the lowest point of your life you will be blessed to have a beautiful loving creature, an embodiment of all that is good in this world, a piece of God himself, enter your life in the form of an annoying little 5lb white pomeranean named Yogi. You will love him, and he will love you. You will connect so deeply with Yogi that it forever alters your perception of what love is. He will be your world, he will be your companion, you will take him everywhere (yes everywhere), and he will be your everything, he will just be.

And just like that, you will receive a devastating phone call one day and he will be gone.

You will hold the now lifeless body of the most energetic and loving creature you have ever met in your arms, his blood seeping through your shorts and his lifeless eyes glazed over.

You will cry harder than you have ever cried, and you will give him one final kiss as you lay him down into the ground.

Your heart will shatter into a million pieces and you will want to fall apart, you will want to break down, you will want to give up, you will want to just end it all.

Nothing will make sense, where do I go, what do I do, how can I live!? It will be unbearable.

But Dear Simmy,

I promise.

I promise you will love again.

I promise that whatever it is that you are experiencing will eventually expire.